Game On: Bashin’ Creed
Woo, check out the new header and the debut of a new article – Games n shit! Should be pretty sweet, and i am also looking for new writers to contribute to these articles (along with any other articles they wish). Get in touch via the facebook page, my personal page or via email (email@example.com).
So here we go, the first game i am going to review is Assassins Creed III. This game is the third in a highly acclaimed series , and the first two were above average games. They were amongst the first to fully utilise this free running game engine that so many games have begun to use. The story was also pretty interesting and i have to admit – i wanted to find out what was going on.
And then along came this pile of shit. Let’s look at what it was rated in other reviews.
Gamespot – 7.5/10
IGN – 8.6/10
PC Gamer – 7.2/10
So these guys seem to think this game is above average. And i would agree with them. In theory. Potentially, this game is one of the greatest games ever. The world is vast, beautifully designed and dynamic – with changing weather, a semi-intelligent animal population and intricate mazes of stone, wood and sea. Visually, it is unmatched.
The fighting system is the most intricate yet, as is the freerunning. You can use a multitude of new assassination techniques, including a nifty rope spike motherfucker to spear the shit out of dem pesky British and defend ‘Murrica. Wait. What?
You can glide up buildings, trees and mountains with the greatest ease, exactly how you would expect to do so in real life.
None of this fucking works. Sure, the landscape is beautiful. But it is so laden with glitches and problems that THE MAJORITY of missions are hindered by them. The tutorial shows you how to do certain maneuvers, such as the “human shield” defense and then they barely work. 80% of the time the option to use the “human shield” appears, i press the correct button (X in my case, on the PS3) and Connor (our main character, i will touch on him again later) just sits in the line of fire like a deaf-blind upturned turtle. The rope assassination technique was also shown in a tutorial, and then every time i try to use it, Connor just lazes about in the tree. These are not the only glitches though, as although these can affect secondary objectives, you can get around them. In some cases, the entire freerunning aspect breaks down. Sections that i am 100% sure you are able to climb suddenly become unclimbable. Connor is left running up a wall with plenty of handholds and then jumping off. He is often caught in some freerunning purgatory, which causes him to continually to jump between two points, unable to climb down or move forward. Occasionally he becomes lost in such a glitch for so long that the only option is to fast travel or turn off the game in order to resolve it. I don’t even want to talk about the scarring experiences I’ve had with some characters becoming mutated, with dead white eyes and jerky movements.
I would go as far as saying that the majority of missions are affected by glitches at least once, in my case. In many cases, the missions are affected to the point of in-game death, failure of objectives and real life suicide. Many times, i threw myself off a tall building after failing a mission for the fiftieth time because the dude i needed to assassinate had developed the power of invincibility. I ate a bullet one time after i was caught in a branch, unable to catch up with the man i was chasing. I dropped a toaster in my bathtub after i jumped off of a mountain, only for Connor to somehow propel off into the distance and land in a heap on the ground, miles from my destination.
Now let’s talk about the characters. Haytham Kenway is the only character with any substance or personality, and that includes Connor. Admittedly, Altair was a little dry – but he had a degree of character around him. Connor does not. He is a whiny little idiot man-child with absolutely no intelligence, tact or common sense. For an assassin, he is a complete imbecile. As is his ridiculous teacher, Achilles. Who, by the way, has a walking stick and a limp. Because his heels fucked. Achilles. Heel. Get it? Fucking hilarious, yeah? HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I can only imagine the pain that those of Native American descent feel upon seeing how they are portrayed by this feeble minded cretin. The majority of Connors dialogue is this.
WAAAAAAH MY MOTHER DIED, I KNOW THE REST OF MY PEOPLE ARE IN DANGER, BUT IM MORE PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS.
WAAAAAAH MY DAD LEFT ME AND IS A MEMBER OF AN OPPOSING FACTION.
WAAAAAAH I AM READY TO TAKE DOWN AN ARMY OF THOUSANDS ON MY OWN, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME?
WAAAAAAH I KNOW BETTER THAN EVERYONE, FUCK LOGIC.
And so on and so forth. I spent the majority of the game hoping someone would beat the wholehearted shit out of Connor, and that is not the kind of person you want as the protagonist.
So we have touched on the horrific glitches and the terrible characters. What else is there?
Nothing. That’s it. There isn’t really anything else this game has to offer. The characters should be interesting – the guys on your team should give you a reason to back them (which they don’t, Achilles doesn’t tell you ANYTHING, Connor is a blindly rampaging idiot, Desmond Miles is a bland shell of a person, as is his father, and everyone else is either irrelevant or boring. With the exception of Haytham). Most characters, be those allies or enemies, are a mass of accents with little personality. I suppose Hickey was pretty cool. He was a complete dickhead, and it made you want to assassinate the fuck out of him. Same with Charles Lee. But everyone else was easily overlooked. Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were shadows who presumed the prestige of their history would outweigh the fact that they did sweet fuck all in the game.
There was something about Abstergo Industries as well, but it was also vague and ridiculous.
Now, there are a few redeeming qualities of this game. The naval missions are fun as fuck. The sea is so much better designed than the land. I encountered minimal glitches in this environment, though there was a couple. Another bad point is the fact that occasionally the ship obscures some low rocks and causes you to dash your ships against them. But this is nothing. The cannon fire is simple and well done, as is the steering. The entire mechanism is pretty much perfect, and i find myself shouting orders at the fictional crew, demanding a fictional mainsail to be raised, and ordering fictional lackeys up into the crows nest, while i sit in a not-so-fictional pirate outfit on my couch. And then i scream THAR SHE BLOWS at no one, and my girlfriend looks across the room with a worried glance and a pamphlet for a mental institution.
She just doesn’t understand me.
Overall, i would say that this game is a monumental heap of dragon shite. In order to hide the gargantuan amount of feces, the designers have metaphorically hung up artwork and sprayed the pile with febreeze. Then they stuck a little American flag on the top of it. The majestic landscape and intricate design does little to make up for the atrocious game engine and abysmal gameplay. I find it odd how so many people have given such a game a high grade. I am going to give it;
And it’s lucky it got that. I was considering giving it 3, if it wasn’t for the sea shit.
Note: I may review the multiplayer at some point, but i shall include that as a seperate review from the campaign.